You are here : Introduction / Home from Deployment / Things to Consider

Things to Consider

Homecoming Build-Up

The majority of deployed personnel and members of their family will experience a feeling of anticipation as the tour draws to an end. This may take the form of eagerness to get home, or a dread of a return that potentially could be filled with problems, or a mixture of both. Few get much sleep the night before homecoming and children may be more moody and irritable than usual. This could cause the whole family to be keyed-up and exhausted before you reunite.

Adjustment

After the completion of an operational tour, it is not unusual to experience a ‘homecoming let-down’ or ‘post tour blues’. This is because in your mind you create a fantasy of how it will be, and reality is seldom the same as fantasy. So don’t set your expectations too high and keep a sense of proportion to your plans. Be receptive to each others needs, as they will probably differ.

Compromise

Your partner may want to stay at home and do nothing initially. Alternatively, you may want your partner to do all of those little jobs around the house that need doing, but they may not see the urgency. You will need to compromise with each other, and use a bit of ‘give and take’ to avoid arguments and hurt feelings. Don’t force issues and be patient and tolerant with each other.

Unresolved Problems

If there were unresolved relationship or family issues before deployment, or that arose during R&R, they are likely to still be there when your partner returns. It is not a good idea to tackle these issues straight away, but to let a period of adjustment take its course. If you are worried about an issue it will no doubt be on your partner’s mind too. Carefully choose a time to talk, and don’t force the issue as soon as they walk in the door. This again will only cause confrontation and defensiveness, and could make matters worse.

Promises and Feelings

If anyone has made promises over the phone or by email or letter during the tour, especially to children, then that person to whom the promise was made will expect it to happen. The returning person may be surprised or even put out that you have managed so well without them being around. They may even feel jealous that you and your children may have become closer and have done things that they have missed out on. Alternatively, the children may look to their returning parent for attention or decision making which, after six months of absence, may make you feel as though you no longer matter. All of these feelings and actions are normal behaviour and you should not take them personally. Again the key is give and take and things should settle down fairly quickly.

Problem Solving

Perhaps one or the other partner could have been concerned about a relationship issue, or run up a large amount of debt during the tour. Worrying, trying to cover up a problem or being defensive is not going to help! The key is to sort things out - discussing the ways to resolve matters is far more useful than shouting and finger-pointing!

Some tips to help you to solve problems are:
• Pick the right moment and bring up the issue calmly.

• Be honest.

• Don’t blame each other.

• Realise that things sometimes happen simply because of the stress of separation.

• Work out a solution together that you both agree on.

• Try not to involve the children, and discuss matters out of earshot.

• Seek help from a professional agency if needed.

• Talk over steps that you can take to avoid a repeat of the problem.

• Discourage family visits for the first two weeks – your loved one may have a lot of pent-up frustration to get rid of.

Top of Page